This blog is in response to a posting on BabyCenter forum in my Birth Club forum about a woman who is planning on staying at home once she has children and experiencing disparagement from working moms when she reveals her plan. However, her responses later on toward comments made by other moms on her posting reveal that she believes:
A) staying at home is the only way to be around for your child's "formative years"; you will miss all your child's "firsts" if you work
B) daycare providers become your child's mother and basically raise your child for you
C) you should not CHOOSE to work; you should only work if there is no other financial choice (she says, "as for working because you choose to, I just cannot justify that")
D) working moms are wrong when they say they have the same amount of chores and such when they get home from work; SAHMs (Stay at Home Moms) have more hours in the day so they HAVE to get more done whereas WMs (Working Moms) only need to do chores for the number of hours that they're actually at home
E) WMs are essentially only evenings/weekends parents
Here's a little bit about my background:
I am a 25 year old college student at a major university in Texas (the best one *wink wink*) completing two degrees in history and in music. it has taken me until now to get to the point we call the "light at the end of the undergraduate tunnel"; most of my fellow students are younger than me. I have a longterm (male) partner, a 5 year old son and a girl on the way currently (23 weeks pregnant). We live in a beautiful 2 story, 4 bed/2 1/2 bath home with our dog and 2 cats in a nice, quiet middle-class neighborhood. My partner is currently unemployed but we are okay financially (no panic yet). My son (*sniffle*) will be starting Kindergarten in the fall. My baby girl is due in November, the week before Thanksgiving and I graduate with both of my degrees (FINALLY!!!) in December, as long as my little girl cooperates. *fingers crossed*
A little dictionary for some of the "mom dialogue" that appears in the (long) comment I posted on BabyCenter:
SAHM=Stay at Home Mom
WM= Working Mom
DD=Darling Daughter
DS=Darling Son
SO=Significant Other
FIL/MIL/SIL=Father/Mother/Sister-in-Law
Here's my response to her posting/comments:
I think moms in general are amazing, whether SAHM or working. After 7
1/2 years, I am finally going to graduate with 2 degrees in December. I
have a 5 year old and have learned to be a "working" mom (with no pay,
of course). We learned I was pregnant with our DD (much earlier than we
had originally planned on) and due in November. So fall semester will be
very interesting, although I am only taking 2 classes. With my DS, I
took a semester off and stayed at home until he was about 4 months old,
when I was forced to return to work (I lived with my parents at the time
and my dad became sick/couldn't work). When DS was 6 months old, I
returned to school full time, still working full time at the same time
and that was certainly the worst time in my life (as I was still kinda
breastfeeding after I got home from work at midnight and in the morning
before I left for class). Thank God my SO and FIL both told me to quit
my job and focus on being a mom and student only, which has been easier
but still tough.
Fast forward to today: I am currently taking a full schedule during the
summer to allow myself a lighter load by the time I am in my last
trimester. My DS is older and therefore more self-sufficient. We now
have a 2-story, 4 bedroom home but unfortunately, my SO is now
unemployed. Luckily, we have a bit to fall back on so we are not
feeling completely stressed out about money and bills. BUT, I plan on
being a SAHM, at least initially, once I graduate in Dec and I am both
super excited and super terrified. This will essentially be the first
time since my DS was a baby that I will be out of school and I don't
know if I know how to do that. I am so used to being with adults for
most of the day and then enjoying my SO's and DS's company in the
afternoons/evenings. And it works for me. I look forward to being with
my son after a long day of classes and I enjoy being around other adults
and friends during the day. But I am so excited for the bonding that
will take place between me and my DD once school is all done. I just
hope I don't go crazy after a long time.
That being said, SAHMs are overworked and underappreciated. I admire
them a lot because I don't know yet if I will be able to hack it. At the
same time, working or "working" moms like me have it equally tough in a
different way. Personally, I have to contend with a large house that
gets dirty easily (with 3 pets as well) and also, schoolwork that comes
home with me. Plus, spending time with my SO and DS. An earlier comment
said that working moms don't have to deal with the same amount of
chores....but we do and in a smaller frame of time. I have had remarks
or looks from my SILs (who are SAHMs) or my MIL/FIL and even at times,
from my SO about the state of our house from time to time (it is not
perfect). Just yesterday, I loaded our dishes, cooked dinner, bathed and pajama'd my DS, and finally finished doing and folding the boatload of
laundry that had accumulated over the last 2 weeks after which, I had to
do 50 pages of reading (history major) and a page of analytical
writing. And I didn't even get to my second class's reading assignment
and our house still desperately needs a sweeping, vaccuuming, and
mopping, as well as just picking up crap. LOL I went to bed at about 1
am and had to wake up at 7am to feed DS and our pets. Then off to
daycare and school. This is my daily schedule. But I have to remember
that while I am used to my schedule of being at school with other adults
and coming home to my DS and doing all these things in about 6 hours,
they are used to their schedule of being at home alone or with the kids
all day while having to stay on top of chores and having their house look
much cleaner than mine day after day after day because that is the
expectation placed on them. So while I don't appreciate the remarks or
looks, I understand that they are coming from a different place.
I certainly feel that despite all that, I have been heavily involved in my
son's formative years. He knows who his mom is and even after being at the
same child development center for 2 years, he still jumps into my arms
at the end of the day when I pick him up. I love that he has been at
this center at my university because they have taught him so many things
that I never would have been able to teach him. He's known his letters
and numbers since he was 3 and has been able to write his own full name
since 3 1/2-4 years old. Nearly every day, he comes home and tells us
something new he learned. Sometimes I don't even know those things and I
certainly don't hear other kids his same age talking about those
things. He also has had social anxiety since he was a baby and being in
daycare has helped him a great deal with that problem, although he is
still shy. Because of my son's experience in a child development center, I plan on putting my daughter in similar childcare once she's about 2-3 years old, regardless of my work status. Utimately, it is basically like them being in public school a
couple of years earlier and certainly most SAHMs won't argue that once
their kids are in public school at age 5, the school is now raising their
children.
I think SAHMs and working moms need to just bridge the gap and
understand that whether you choose to stay at home or choose to work or
you have no choice at all, we all have it tough and we have expectations
placed on us by others. Let's pat ourselves on the backs and get past
the petty jealousies. I cannot wait for my DD to be born and I cannot
wait to spend time with her. My DS will be in Kindergarten come August
and I am excited that after I graduate, I will be able to spend more
time with him because I won't have homework which means that I can read a
story to him every night instead of some nights. YAY!!
